Kids

Everything you are about to read is true. The names, however, have NOT been changed to protect the innocent. Why not, you may ask? It is because I, the author, am not among the innocent and therefore don't give a flying toss about what happens to them. After all, the mothers and fathers of these innocent bystanders spent a good deal of time trying to think of decent names for their children, and I think we should show them the respect of not changing said names at the first sign of conflict. As the introduction comes dangerously close to being longer than the body of this post, I begin:

A recent study by several well-known highly respected child psychologists showed that 85 percent of everything a person will ever know is learned before he/she turns 8 years old. Another recent study showed that 85 percent of these psychologists were high like kites on Charlie-Sheen-grade weed at the time of their study. In addition, they refuted the original findings. They claimed that 85% of everything that we learn in life, is learnt during our teenage years while working our minimum-wage summer jobs. I tend to agree with the second group's findings.

Things I've learned as a summer camp counselor:
1. Chicken fingers are of God. Tacos are of Satan.
2. Almost every facet of a child's behavior, every defect in their personality, is the parent's fault.
3. Kids are like handguns. They can help resolve a situation when they're around, but most of the time someone just ends up getting shot.
4. Kids are strong. No matter how many dodgeballs you throw at them, they keep getting back up.
5. Spades is the best game in the entire world. Bar none.
6. Standing alone in a walk-in freezer gives plenty of time to clear your thoughts. Provided that you don't die of hypothermia first.
7. I would die before I would consider naming my child Alex, Nicholas, Robbie, Johnathan, Bennett, Abrianna, or Burt Reynolds.
8. Any problem can be solved with some combination of lemonade, bandaids, and excessive force.

Of Nominal Anomalies

Creation is an activity best left to God. Any worthwhile science fiction novel can tell you that much. But we humans are an obstinate bunch. We insist that we are capable of creating original thought. We attempt to prove this through new inventions, new religons, and more new boy bands than any one person could begin to shake a stick at.

No matter how hard we try, anything that the human race accomplishes is merely a rearrangement of the original elements of nature established long before our time. But still we persevere. And we continue to embellish our illusions of grandeur by sealing the deal with a namesake.

A dinky yellow cloth was nothing but a dinky yellow cloth until some idiot called it a ShamWow! And that Halfrican (half African) in the Oval Office would have been just some President if not for the bozo who decided to name said Halfrican after the 3 men on the FBI's most wanted list. And a rose by any other name might smell as sweet, but it wouldn't be a rose anymore, now would it?

I have a full share in this futility. My blog posts are often written with little to no regard for the content; I want simply to insert enough words into the body of the post to warrant an interesting title.

Confessions of a blogger with ulterior motives. So sue me.

Sue me now.

The Knight's Mare

A dreamer's sleep
Is full of things
That waking eyes
May never see.

When blue and brown
And gray eyes close,
From sleep,
The mind's eye hath arose.

The ghostly spirit
Comes to life
To start the circus
Of the night.

Journeys made
Without one step.
Tall tales told
Without one breath.

Great adventures
Raging on
While millions sleep
Tween dusk and dawn.

Tween dusk and dawn,
The real world dreams
Of wild beasts
And terrible things.

This world of fiction
Is a fact
To those who sleep
And can't look back.

To see their sleeping
Resting heads
And know they're safe
Within their beds.

I would bet hard money that no one on earth is as happy as I am. Life is good.

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So they figured out a way to put heaven in a cup...

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Through the Looking Glass

Factoid 1: It's all in how you look at things.

My ears deem (certain types of) music as beautiful and inspirational. But to the little hammers and strings inside a piano, music is a demanding, tiring ordeal. To an evolutionist, dark matter and dark energy explain all things. But someone who believes the Biblical account of creation is satisfied with the less complicated explanation: "Let there be light." To quote one of my favorite books: "....from here, that looks like a bucket of water...but from an ant's point of view, it's a vast ocean, from an elephant's just a cool drink and to a fish, of course, it's home." - The Phantom Tollbooth

Factual Fact 2: Having an unflawed perception of reality is vital to understanding.

For example, to death, death is life and life is death. But to life, life is life and death is death. Only a neutral observer, such as a zombie, knows the facts of the matter: that life is defined by moving, growing, and breathing whilst death is defined as (the only legal situation in which a citizen is not arrested for) not paying taxes.

Pseudo-fiction 3: Truth is fixed, and it is independent of any one person's point of view.

If the kool-aid has been poisoned, it doesn't matter how many people believe it to be safe. If extra-terrestrials are fiction, it's of no use to continually sing about them in a severely misguided effort to increase one's odds of abduction. And if Charlie Sheen really does have tiger blood, it might be a good idea to stop making fun of him.

Just saying...