Friday, July 29, 2011


Everything you are about to read is true. The names, however, have NOT been changed to protect the innocent. Why not, you may ask? It is because I, the author, am not among the innocent and therefore don't give a flying toss about what happens to them. After all, the mothers and fathers of these innocent bystanders spent a good deal of time trying to think of decent names for their children, and I think we should show them the respect of not changing said names at the first sign of conflict. As the introduction comes dangerously close to being longer than the body of this post, I begin:

A recent study by several well-known highly respected child psychologists showed that 85 percent of everything a person will ever know is learned before he/she turns 8 years old. Another recent study showed that 85 percent of these psychologists were high like kites on Charlie-Sheen-grade weed at the time of their study. In addition, they refuted the original findings. They claimed that 85% of everything that we learn in life, is learnt during our teenage years while working our minimum-wage summer jobs. I tend to agree with the second group's findings.

Things I've learned as a summer camp counselor:
1. Chicken fingers are of God. Tacos are of Satan.
2. Almost every facet of a child's behavior, every defect in their personality, is the parent's fault.
3. Kids are like handguns. They can help resolve a situation when they're around, but most of the time someone just ends up getting shot.
4. Kids are strong. No matter how many dodgeballs you throw at them, they keep getting back up.
5. Spades is the best game in the entire world. Bar none.
6. Standing alone in a walk-in freezer gives plenty of time to clear your thoughts. Provided that you don't die of hypothermia first.
7. I would die before I would consider naming my child Alex, Nicholas, Robbie, Johnathan, Bennett, Abrianna, or Burt Reynolds.
8. Any problem can be solved with some combination of lemonade, bandaids, and excessive force.

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